Archive for Faith

Awaiting the Fullness of Time

June 28, 2012 at 1:15 PM · Filed under Faith ·Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


When the fulness of time had come, Joshua led the Israelites in their final march around the wall of Jericho. The Bible describes that glorious moment in the following verses:

“And it came to pass on the seventh day, that they rose early about the dawning of the day, and compassed the city after the same manner seven times: only on that day they compassed the city seven times. And it came to pass at the seventh time, when the priests blew with the trumpets, Joshua said unto the people, Shout; for the LORD hath given you the city.” (Joshua 6:15,16)

When the fulness of time had come, Hannah, a woman who had been infertile, gave birth to the baby boy for whom she had passionately prayed to God. First Samuel 1: 20 says, “Wherefore it came to pass, when the time was come about after Hannah had conceived, that she bare a son, and called his name Samuel, saying, Because I have asked him of the LORD.”

Similarly, another birth is recorded in Galatians 4:4,5.”But when the fulness of the time was come, God sent forth His Son, made of a woman, made under the law, To redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of sons.”

Ecclesiastes 3: 1 says, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” Eventually, the fulness of time does come. In the fulness of time, there are blessings. In the fulness of time, there are miracles! God’s work is manifest in the fulness of time. Exciting things begin to happen in the fulness of time.

My question is this: How do we wait for the fulness of time in our own lives?

Scripture tells us that even Jesus and His mother Mary struggled with waiting for the fulness of time. Luke 2: 43 says that after the passover feast, “the child Jesus tarried behind in Jerusalem; and Joseph and his mother knew not of it.” After searching for three days, Mary and Joseph found Jesus “in the temple, sitting in the midst of the doctors, both hearing them, and asking them questions.” (v. 46) Like any mother, Mary demanded her son to tell her why he had left them. Jesus replied, “How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business” (v. 49) However much Jesus, at twelve years of age, thought that He was ready to minister to the world, He “was subject unto [His parents]“. (v. 51) That same verse mentions-for the second time in the gospel of Luke-that Mary “kept all these sayings in her heart.”

Imagine the anxiety with which Mary must have lived. We know very little of what Mary thought and experienced from the moment the angel Gabriel visited her to the time of Jesus’ birth. What emotions did she feel as she waited for the fulness of her time to come, for her miraculous child to be born? Did her cousin’s husband, Zacharias, who was a priest, help her to study and understand the prophecies concerning the Messiah, who was in her womb? Did she fear being the mother to the incarnation of God? The song, “Mary, Did You Know?” asks many similar questions. We all want to know how Mary waited for the fulness of time.

More than the birth of Jesus, I want to know how Mary waited for the time in which Jesus would begin His ministry. With what dread and hope did she await His ministry? Despite any fear she may have felt, it was Mary who ordained Jesus’ ministry at the wedding in Cana.

Whereas Jesus had been impatient to begin His ministry as a child, He seemed to be more aware of His divine plan after His full maturity. When Mary informed Him that the marriage supper  had no more wine, He said that it was not His time (John 2:4). However, He did perform a miracle. By submitting Himself to Mary’s authority and honoring her as His mother, Jesus began the new phase of His life-His ministry.

When Jesus’ unbelieving brothers mocked Him and told Him to flaunt His power so that the world might believe, Jesus replied, “My time is not yet come: but your time is alway ready.” (John 7:6) Again, we observe Jesus’ keen sense of purpose. He learned to be content in waiting for the fulness of time, but He also referred to a time which was always ready.

My interpretation of this scripture is that the time to believe on Jesus, the time to seek salvation is ready. When Jesus was speaking to His brothers, He was inviting them to believe in Him. So is Jesus waiting on us to commit our lives to Him. Jesus is still inviting us to an intimate relationship with Him. He still attends our prayers. He listens to our cries.

When we follow the plan of salvation, as explained in the book of Acts, and become alive in Christ, we are literally born into a new life. Our spiritual journey commences. However, we may  have many stops along the way. There are times in our lives when we all need to stop for direction and fill ourselves with God’s Word.

For thirty years, Jesus worked, studied the holy law, and observed the Sabbath. For only three years-in the fulness of time, He accomplished the most powerful ministry that the world has ever seen! The Gospels describe many accounts in Christ’s ministry when He would withdraw from the crowds to instruct His disciples. (Matthew 24:3; Mark 3:13; Mark 9:30)  There were also times  when Jesus would withdraw from His own disciples to pray and rest. (Matthew 14: 22,23; Mark 6:47; Luke 5:16)

Ecclesiastes 3:7 says that there is “A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.” If Jesus required rest, so do we. We cannot allow ourselves to be impatient and discouraged in our lives and ministry. Trust in God. Know that His promises to you will be fulfilled in the fulness of time!

There are times of transition in all of our lives. Sometimes we do have to resign from a church position, sit on a pew, and allow God to redirect our ministry. Sometimes we do have phases of inactivity. What should we do in those times? How do we wait on the fulness of time?

Jesus gave us the answer in Matthew 6:33, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”  Paul instructed Timothy, “Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” (II Timothy 2:15)

If you are questioning your purpose, if you are waiting on the fulness of your time, there is something for you to do right now. Study the Bible for yourself, even if you have read the Bible ten times or twenty. Make notes. Pray for your situation, and pray on the Word that God is revealing to you. Each time you study, fast, and pray, you are filling your time.

David proclaimed, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.” (Psalm 23:4,5) You may be in the valley-being poked and prodded by the rod of God. Be comforted. God has a table prepared for you. He has anointed you. He has a purpose for you. Allow Him to fill your cup.

If we fill our time with Jesus, He will propel our ministry in the fulness of time.

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Break Through the Culture

October 25, 2011 at 6:33 PM · Filed under Faith ·Tagged , , , , , , , ,


“I cannot believe you go to a Spanish church!”

This is a comment I commonly receive, and, sometimes, I cannot believe it either! Honestly, I live in constant amazement of where God has brought me during the past two years. Life has not been easy. At times, it has been downright agonizing, but the Lord has been faithful at all times. What is more, He has been bountiful in His blessings.

A year ago, my family was asked to work in Centro de Vida, a church which had been previously a “brain child” of my grandfather and the official “daughter-work” of the Pentecostals of Ascension. The church was in a strange predicament. Whereas the church was produced as a venue for Spanish-speaking people, the children of the church’s members were and are more comfortable in English! So, my parents were asked to begin teaching the youth in English.

We had been attending Centro de Vida for little over a month when my grandfather, Elton Bernard, had a nearly-fatal stroke. You can imagine the tumult into which we fell! There we were, members of a Hispanic church, struggling to find a new balance in our lives. For three months, we lived between hospital and home, barely coming out for air.

Prayers in the Hospital

In retrospect, I see where God has been tearing me down so that He can re-build me. My role as the pretty, little preacher’s kid has been completely leveled to the ground. Often, I like to reference my past post, “Learning to Live with Jesus”, mainly because, that was the first phase of the demolition of my concept of myself. In no way am I intimating that I think God is finished with me! I am simply saying that I see what a work-in-progress I have become. “Under Construction” is probably stamped on my soul!

A recurring question of mine this past year has been, “What am I supposed to do in a Spanish church?”. I speak a little Spanish but not enough to really be of any use. Interpreting would be a laugh! Except for the occasional requests by my grandfather, I do not sing in the services. I do not even know how to play any instruments. My brief work in computer projection was not satisfactory, and all of the Sunday school classes are already being taught. What am I to do?

You may think this is funny. Maybe this does not even seem like a problem to you. For the pretty, little pastor’s kid in me, however, not doing anything in the church has been quite disturbing!

I have been pouting for months over countless cups of coffee with my best friend Medley, whose father is the pastor of the Pentecostals of Ascension. (Don’t worry! You read that correctly. I became “besties” with the girl who replaced me as the pretty, little pastor’s kid! Funny world, huh?) Poor Medley has had to nod her head in sympathy while I talked of feeling useless, and I have had to shake my head in compassion whenever she has talked about all of the stresses of being the busy, pretty, little pastor’s kid! (If you haven’t noticed, I am attempting to be humorous!)

Medley and I

Medley and my mother have recently heard me talk and rant about my reading of the Book of Jeremiah. In the very first chapter, there is a verse that jumps to my attention every time I read it. When God called Jeremiah to be a prophet to Israel, He said, “See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant.” (Jeremiah 1:10)

Most people would probably prefer to ignore this verse. I, on the other hand, love it! Throughout the book, God pleads to His people to repent of their evil ways and return to Him. God always wants to tear down our human traditions so that He may build His way in our hearts.

During these past two years, I have fought and struggled against God unwittingly. All of this time, I have been discontent because I have not been used in church the way I was used as a pastor’s kid. I have cried! I have broken. I have crumbled in confusion as I asked God, “Why, Lord? Why, with all of my training and all of my desire to serve You, am I just sitting on a pew?”

This very week, today, in fact, God has revealed His answer to me. You see, God does not want us to conform to the “church-culture” mold. What I mean is that God does not want us to just busy ourselves with church work in the name of serving Him! It does not really matter if I sing on the platform or if I sit in the sound booth, but it does matter if I submit to God with all of my being! If I am more willing to have a position in the church than I am willing to dance before the Lord, then I am spiritually unhealthy and sick.

By sitting in the pew for perhaps no other reason than the fact that I am not fluent in Spanish, God has shown me that His purpose for me in this chapter of my life is not to be on the platform, nor in the sound booth, nor even in the roz y leche sale. His plan is for me to be on my knees with my nose in His Word. He is showing me the pathway which He wants me to take. Jesus, who sacrificed His humanity for mine, has shattered all of my reserves and preconceived ideas so that He can reconstruct me into the person He wants me to be, so that He can re-direct my path from that of the pretty, little Pentecostal cheerleader to that of the humble servant to others. All that I can do is say like John the Baptist, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” (John 3:30)

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Faith: How Not to Live in Spiritual Darkness

January 23, 2011 at 12:11 AM · Filed under Faith ·Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


I have had the pleasure of growing up with the teaching of God’s Word. Not many people have had that same privilege in life. When I first began writing on doctrine, I was so enamored by the marvelous revelations which God had opened to my eyes  in His Word that I began to write in a feverish frenzy.

Reading 1 Corinthians 3:2 helped me to realize that stuffing the blog with such heavy meats as Oneness and Modesty was hard to digest without explaining the core of our beliefs: Faith.

One of the most beautiful chapters in the Bible, Hebrews 11, says in verse 1, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Today, I have been humming the old song “Walking by Faith.”Although I have known this song all of my life, its real meaning has newly dawned on me. Only by understanding faith can we build our relationship with God. If we try to ascribe or write doctrines and instructions to a checklist instead of a stronghold of faith, all we have is legalism.

Last year, I wrote a post called “Learning to Live with Jesus.” I am still learning. That is the most wonderful and frustrating fact of life. Our relationship with Jesus is a continual process which requires constant attention, love, honor, and obedience on our part. Maybe that might disturb more independent natures, but think about it. He is God. He created us out of dirt, redeemed our wicked souls with His own pure blood, and went to prepare a beautiful mansion for us in heaven. He deserves our devotion.

At times, it is not a question of our devotion to God but of our faith (in Him, His Word, His power, His love, His mercy, His judgment, etc.) Why is it that we seem to have more faith in ourselves rather than in the great Jehovah, which means “The eternal Self-existent One in His Fulness”? For the few who have chosen the straight and narrow path, faith the size of a mustard seed is enough to move a mountain (Matthew 17:20)! So why are so many of God’s people content to live in the shadow of the valley?

I am not saying that there will never be any mountains or valleys in life. We should, however, be planting seeds of faith in our spiritual lives, so that we may reap a plenteous harvest. When Jesus appeared before His disciples after His resurrection, Thomas, a man who had walked, talked, and supped with Jesus for years, did not even believe Jesus had risen from the dead until he had touched the very places where Jesus had been pierced! With gentle admonition, “Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.” (John 20:29)

For those people like me who like to go step by step, here is our first step in godly faith: Believe that Jesus, our one God in flesh, has come and given His human life as a sacrifice for our salvation and has conquered death, hell, and the grave (Isaiah 53; 1 Corinthians 15:55, 56, 57). Taking this first step may seem terribly simplistic. Remember, though, that before the most professional athletes run a marathon, one step must first be taken.

Paul, a man filled to overflowing with faith, simplified things even more for us. Thank God! He wrote, “So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” (Romans 10:17)

I must admit that I have always avoided reading Psalm 119 because of its great length. In November, I studied Psalm 119 and mentally kicked myself for not having studied it sooner. Verse 32 says, “I will run the way of thy commandments, when thou shalt enlarge my heart.”

Whoever wrote that verse completely embodied what Paul explained for us. When we hear the Word of God and really learn His desires, He will enlarge our hearts, open our understanding, and strengthen our faith. That, my friend, is our second step.

Now, we can plunge into the second part of the title of this post: How Not to Live in Spiritual Darkness. Although I have never been void of God’s presence in my life, I have known the dark oppression which the devil is so fond of afflicting upon humanity, especially upon followers of the Light. As a very young girl, I was afflicted with a spirit of fear–not the godly fear which causes us to repent but the sort of fear that causes the body to literally tremble with nervous anxiety. No, I was not afraid of the dark nor of “monsters” hiding in my closet! I had fears of the future which I allowed to take root in my mind. Fear gnawed at my very spirit-wounding the faith I had nourished as a child. I did not help myself, either. Instead of turning to God, I began to sleep on the floor next to my CD player and starve myself in order to fill the cavity in my heart, where faith had once resided, with hunger.

I am not asking anybody to understand why a girl who had received the Holy Ghost at the tender age of four would fall into such a snare. I have not written down such a vulnerable part of my life as an example of the devil’s power but as an example of the incredible grace and victory of Jesus Christ! It does not matter what circumstance in which you find yourself or what measure of darkness may be enshrouding your life! “Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah. There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.” (Psalm 46:3, 4)

Two verses which have been powerful in my life and which tie my testimony into my personal walk of faith are in 1 John. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:18, 19)

I love God for countless reasons. I can say, like the Psalmist, “I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” (Psalm 34:4)

I used to wonder how exactly one sought the Lord. I have learned that seeking God is through the daily reading of His Word and praying. At times, the Bible may seem like it is filled with genealogies and strange visions; prayer may seem like a one-sided conversation. Sometimes, you simply have to run after God until He catches you! As 2 Corinthians 5:7 says, “we walk by faith, not by sight.”

Living in our faith is knowing that God is in control, and we simply have to follow Him. As we read at the very beginning, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1)

Maybe you are reading this and thinking, “Well, I have been brutally crushed by my very own faith! I have prayed until I exhausted myself with tears, and God did not answer me! God ignored my humble plea for a sign, a miracle, or a simple word of confirmation. What about that, Von de Leigh?”

Let me first say, so have I. I am ashamed to admit that I have been downright angry with God for not giving me the signs for which I ardently begged of Him in the past. There are two occasions which stick in my memory when I was completely alone in the church where my dad was pastoring, and I shouted as loud as I could to God, demanding the King of kings to give me an answer. I was being as selfish as a Christian can be.

In this past year, I feel like God has put me through an extensive training course. Through mentors, teachers, and simply hard situations, God has been sculpting me like a lump of clay on the Potter’s wheel. Faith has been my food for thought during this past month.

Interestingly enough, I have been studying the words of Jesus in the Book of Matthew, and I saw something which “pricked my heart,” as the King James Version would say. In Matthew 16:4, Jesus rebuked the Pharisees, saying, “A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign.” In other words, sinners and people with a faulty relationship with God seek for miracles, signs, and wonders.

What is the answer, then? Here is the answer for which I have spent a lifetime searching and which you will get in the next ten seconds: God will not give you a miracle if you are seeking a miracle, but He will reward your life if you are truly seeking Him! Let me clarify. Seeking God with the intention of receiving a miracle is the same thing as seeking for a miracle.

Back in Hebrews 11:6, we read, “But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.”

How do we seek God, then? We seek God by allowing ourselves to be completely alone with Him, no distractions. Turn off the cell phone, the Hillsong playlist, and begin talking to the Creator of the universe. How do you expect to have a conversation with God when you are mentally singing along with Israel Houghton or Matt Redman? How do you expect God to pay attention to you when you are still texting, updating your Facebook status, or tweeting?

Jesus gave us the perfect outline for prayer in Matthew 6. If anything I am writing here seems too harsh, I can back it all up with what Jesus said in Matthew 6:6, 7. He said that when we pray, we should pray privately in a small closet or room and that we should not use “vain repetitions,” which basically means not to say things like, “Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I love You, Lord. Hallelujah,” and call that a prayer. When you are talking to a good friend at a small coffee shop, do you say, “You are so amazing. You are so amazing. I love you. You are so amazing?” No! Y’all talk about what is going on in life. You ask each other about your opinions. You talk about what you have been reading and listening to, what stuff you do or do not like.

Have you ever told God about your life? Have you asked His advice? There is an entire book of His opinions, thoughts, and life answers called the Bible. Have you asked God what kind of music, books, and films that He likes or does not like? That is prayer.

Prayer is a direct result of your faith. If you have great faith, you will have powerful prayer. Faith is not believing and receiving, but believing and trusting in God to be in control.

Sometimes what we want is not right for us, and we have to trust that God knows what He is doing. Life is frustrating. Sickness, death, broken trusts, and two-faced people can scrape our hearts with darts from the devil himself. But our faith in God, our joy in salvation, and our belief “that all things work together for the good to them that love God” (Romans 8:28) is what makes taking each breath and fighting each battle easier.

Remember, I am a young woman who has been delivered from the bondage of fear and has shouted at God. If I can learn to walk by faith, so can anybody else! This is the joy and freedom of living for Jesus. If you have an questions of comments, I would love to hear from you! May God enrich your life with joy, peace, and strength!

P.S. The two new albums, “Bridges” and “Reality”, by Apostolic musicians, MaDonna Massey and Bryan Pound, are simply amazing! I have been listening to them, feeling the holy anointing, and loving the messages. Y’all should check them out!

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Learning to Live with Jesus

September 17, 2009 at 3:33 PM · Filed under Faith ·Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Today began like any other day. I read a little bit of my Bible before rolling out of bed. I got dressed, went to the office. Just another day, another chore. I knew that I had to pick out three songs to lead for song service, and oh no! We were out of regular coffee.

Jesus said, “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.” (Matthew 6:34)

Yes, I know. I’m just describing any other, ordinary day. To be more specific, this happens to be a Wednesday.

Life in a pastor’s home is anything but perfect, especially when the church doesn’t grow and doesn’t seem to change despite all of your efforts. I suppose that to really appreciate a good pastor, you would have to live with one, or be one. My dad is often fond of quoting an old Indian proverb that says, “Never judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins.” Even Jesus said, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.” (Matthew 7:1)

I have seen what nobody else saw. After someone would leave the church, my family would literally sit in our living room and cry together, helplessly praying and weeping before Jesus. The church never saw my dad walk through the door after a long day at his state job. They never saw him pick up the litter in the church parking lot, either. Did they see, really see my dad playing the drums out of necessity? Did they see that my mom wore herself out on the piano, on her Sunday school lessons, on the weekly bulletin? Did they notice that I taught children’s church or that I led midweek song service because nobody else would? Did they really, truly see us? We were like old fabric that still serves its use but begins to tear at the seams.

I cannot describe the past five years without a surge of emotions welling up inside of me. My grandfather (whom I called Papa) died, people in our church family moved away or simply left, I have been struggling through a novel which I have written and through my studies of the French language, my sister moved away, and then today, Wednesday, September 16, 2009, simply another day.

I came home with a terrible headache and went straight to bed. When I woke up, dad was home eating chicken and pasta with mom. Lazily, I slumped into a chair and picked at my food, vaguely noticing dad’s odd silence. He didn’t seem angry or annoyed. He seemed tired, but he was always tired. Anyway, I ate and tried thinking happy thoughts. Why was dad being so quiet?

Later, we arrived at church, which stunk due to the raccoon who had decided to climb into our building and die. Lovely. I turned on the computer and the projector, got dad some fresh water, and picked out three songs that were miraculously placed on my heart: “I Command my Soul to Worship You,” “Fill This House,” and “There’s Power in the Blood.”

I had gone into dad’s office somewhere amidst all of that to ask him for a mint. He was still being so unusually solemn. Feeling impressed in the Spirit, I got out my Bible and read aloud Psalm 55:22, “Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.”

Then I left him to write his sermon.

Two people were out of town, one was in the hospital, three had been exposed to swine flu, and a few others were simply not there. Including my family, nine people and a baby were at church.

I smiled, said “Praise the Lord,” and began service. Afterward, dad took the mic and sort of rambled through prayer requests, and I wondered if maybe he had a headache. He was being so slow and just not himself.

Mom and I went to our seats and stood with the little congregation as dad read the first Scripture, Matthew, Chapter 26 and Verse 42.

“He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.”

At first, I thought, “Oh, ok. He’s going to preach about Jesus and the Cross. He hasn’t preached on that in a while.”

But then dad began a slow ramble on how sometimes God’s will for our lives can be difficult and sometimes unsettling.

Maybe he would preach about the peace of God. He likes preaching about God’s “peace that passeth all understanding.” (Philippians 4:7)

We then turned in our Bibles to Psalm 40. Dad took a long time to say which verse, and my eye naturally fell on Verse 1. “I WAITED patiently for the LORD; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.”

But that wasn’t the verse daddy wanted. He read Verse 8, “I delight to do thy will, O my God: yea, thy law is within my heart.”

And I knew. With a deep, sinking feeling, I realized the topic of tonight’s sermon. Dad was resigning from his pastorate.

I could see it on his face. I could imagine what he was thinking. I remembered the little plaque attached to the pulpit that says, “AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST,” and I knew that I was finally seeing my dad’s last sermon as the pastor of the church.

My dad began talking about how tired he was, how he felt so burnt out. He said, “In Ecclesiastes, Solomon wrote that there’s a time and purpose for everything.”

I heard my mom mutter under her breath, “Oh Jesus! Is he resigning?”

“Yes,” I thought dumbly. “Yes, that’s exactly what he’s doing.” Hundreds upon hundreds of thoughts swirled through my head. I couldn’t believe that it was happening even as I heard my dad say, “I am now tendering my resignation.”

I looked at the old, wooden altars, as if it were my last. I looked at the piano, as if it were my last. This church that I had been raised in, baptized in-and this was suddenly become my last as its pastor’s kid. I would no longer teach children’s church in the prayer room or fetch water or lead song service. This normal Wednesday night became the last.

I’ve always prided myself on being strong. I didn’t cry. I made myself smile until dad looked at me and said from his last behind the pulpit, “The thing that’s killing me is that this is coming as a total shock to Von de.”

The dam of all my poise and self-control and memories burst forth. I cringe to use the cliché phrase of “sobbing uncontrollably.” But there’s really no other way to convey the true picture. Even as I lifted my hands and sang “I Just Want to Serve You,” as it was my last, I felt my face twitch and my voice wobble. I had not prepared to be so unprepared.

Hugging those few, terribly dear people was so strange. I answered their questions as best as I could and tried not to cry as I saw my dad hold my mom at the altar. This was all completely surreal, as if I were watching my life from a distance.

Immediately upon getting in the car, I told my dad, as always, that he had preached a good sermon. Then I sent a text message to my sister which read simply, “Dad just resigned.”

When Krista called later, she said that she and our aunt had left their church as soon as she received the text. Through many tears, she told us, “I can be there at four in the morning!” And dad said, “No! I don’t want you driving all night.”

But that does not even describe half of the memories, thoughts, or emotions. It does not count all the tears, the hours of talking, the utter feeling of helplessness and fear of the unknown. Where are we going to go to church on Sunday? How will our lives transition? I’m going from praise leader, teacher, and pastor’s kid to just a regular, well, I’m not even a member of a particular church yet! That sounds downright sinful. And all I can think about is that I have to sing “To God be the Glory” at the church dedication of our old Spanish daughter work. I have to sing in front of my family, in front of my friends, and in front of people from the church that I grew up in-the people who taught me memory verses and lessons about Jesus. In the same week that my entire life has spun into limbo, becomes uncertain and very frightening, I have to get up there and proclaim before the world, “To God be the glory for the things He has done.”

I think of my relationship with Jesus almost like a marriage. I bicker with Him. I try to please Him, and sometimes, I feel like He doesn’t fully appreciate everything I do. Every once in a while, Jesus seems like the aloof husband, and I’m the nagging wife, always begging Him for things.

“Jesus, why can’t You get this garbage out of my life?”
“Jesus, You could give me a hug every once in a while. I work for you all day long, making sure everything’s just the way You like it, and I don’t even get a ‘thank you’!”

At home, I cried and shook violently until I became ill. I’m never sick. Wait, I’m supposed to be the strong one, remember? I’m the one who keeps her grace even when the world around her crumbles. I’m the one who smiles through the heartache and says, “Tomorrow is another day!”

God, what’s happening to me? And it’s at moments like this, not that I’ve had too many, but at moments like this when life seems impossible, that I remember why I first fell in love with Jesus.

Our relationship may not be perfect, but that’s ok. It’s ok if things go beyond my control. It’s ok if we struggle. You know why? Because Paul wrote,

“For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
“Therefore take I pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:8-10)

Now, although I can’t say that I particularly take pleasure in having my life infirm, I can say that all will be well, because, to quote the songwriter Andrae Crouch, “If I never even had a problem, How could I know that He could solve ‘em?”

My tears have dried away. I just looked at my clock and saw that it’s 3:54 AM. It’s a brand new day. And we’re going to make it.

“Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
“(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” (Matthew 6:31-33)

Those were the words of Jesus, our bridegroom. And just as I believe that He died on a cross for my atonement, so do I also believe that He is going to see us through.

“These things have I spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

As a child, I used to hear the old songs and not really know what they meant. “I was blind, but now I see.” “I’m resting on the promises of God.”

Before I go to bed, I want to remember the words of the song that began the ending of a huge era in my life:

“I command my soul to worship You
I know it’s the thing that I must do
To prepare my spirit for the fight
It’s the thing that’s right
I command my soul to worship You.”

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